I have tried to forget. I have tried to forgive. I have tried to quit blaming myself. Here it is 14 years later and I still have not succeeded in doing any of that.
I had met a really super nice guy. He was good to me. Maybe I did not know how to handle that. Then again maybe I thought I did not deserve him. Was I using my actions as a defense mechanism? I don’t know.
We had gotten married. For no reason at all I become bossy. I don’t know why and I don’t understand it. I would snap at him and boss him around. Everything he did got on my nerves. He did nothing wrong it was all me. Maybe I was just damaged. He did not deserve the way I treated him. He deserved way better than me.
He never complained, He never fought with me. He just continued to treat me good. Once I realized what I was doing I knew it had to stop. I was acting in a way that I never act. However, I did not know how to stop it. I did not know how to change. My actions were subconsciously done. I would automatically react before I knew it.
Not once did he deserve the treatment I dished out to him. Why was I doing this? Why was I acting this way? What was happening? Why was I being horrible to him? He did not deserve it. All I knew was this had to stop.
Should I leave, should I stay. I so wanted to stay but I could not continue to treat him the way I did. I had told his niece I would not hurt him. That made me even more of a horrible person. I wanted to change. But I did not know how. I did not know how to change. I did not know how to stop my actions. I would react before I could stop myself.
I had some thinking to do. It was not easy for me but I had to go. This could not continue. I was becoming a bad person, someone I did not know. Yes, I could have stayed but what if I totally destroyed him. Then one day while he was out I left. I hesitated to make that call. I did not want to make that call but I had too. I did not have a choice. I made myself make that call and I walked out. By the time he got back that day I was gone.
Yes, I should have faced him but I just couldn’t do it. I could not risk seeing any emotions. I was a total chicken. I could not handle seeing what I might see in his face. It took everything I had to walk out that day. He deserved way better.
I filed for a divorce. I claimed irreconcilable differences. I remember that day in court, telling the judge how I was acting. I remember him telling the judge “I thought we was getting along ok”. Then the judge said that’s irreconcilable differences.
I may have walked away that day but the pain, scars, blame have all stayed behind. I have never forgiven myself. I have just learned how to bury it all deep inside.