troubled mind

Why Did I Do It? I Don’t Know

I have tried to forget.  I have tried to forgive.  I have tried to quit blaming myself.  Here it is 14 years later and I still have not succeeded in doing any of that.

I had met a really super nice guy.  He was good to me.  Maybe I did not know how to handle that.  Then again maybe I thought I did not deserve him.  Was I using my actions as a defense mechanism?  I don’t know.

We had gotten married.  For no reason at all I become bossy.  I don’t know why and I don’t understand it.  I would snap at him and boss him around.  Everything he did got on my nerves.  He did nothing wrong it was all me.  Maybe I was just damaged. He did not deserve the way I treated him.  He deserved way better than me.

He never complained,  He never fought with me.  He just continued to treat me good.  Once I realized what I was doing I knew it had to stop.  I was acting in a way that I never act.  However, I did not know how to stop it.  I did not know how to change.  My actions were subconsciously done.  I would automatically react before I knew it.

Not once did he deserve the treatment I dished out to him.  Why was I doing this?  Why was I acting this way?  What was happening?  Why was I being horrible to him?  He did not deserve it.  All I knew was this had to stop.

Should I leave, should I stay.  I so wanted to stay but I could not continue to treat him the way I did.  I had told his niece I would not hurt him.  That made me even more of a horrible person.  I wanted to change.  But I did not know how.  I did not know how to change.  I did not know how to stop my actions.  I would react before I could stop myself.

I had some thinking to do.  It was not easy for me but I had to go.  This could not continue.  I was becoming a bad person, someone I did not know.  Yes, I could have stayed but what if I totally destroyed him.  Then one day while he was out I left.  I hesitated to make that call.  I did not want to make that call but I had too.  I did not have a choice.  I made myself make that call and I walked out.  By the time he got back that day I was gone.

Yes, I should have faced him but I just couldn’t do it.  I could not risk seeing any emotions.  I was a total chicken.  I could not handle seeing what I might see in his face.  It took everything I had to walk out that day.  He deserved way better.

I filed for a divorce.  I claimed irreconcilable differences.  I remember that day in court, telling the judge how I was acting.  I remember him telling the judge “I thought we was getting along ok”.  Then the judge said that’s irreconcilable differences.

I may have walked away that day but the pain, scars, blame have all stayed behind.  I have never forgiven myself. I have just learned how to bury it all deep inside.